Most resumes are normal or mediocre. Only a tiny fraction of them is really brilliant. And then, there are the worst resumes.
Bad resumes are characterised by impervious confidence, lack of attention to detail and general weirdness.
In the past years, resume builders have made it much harder to make a truly terrible resume. On the other hand, when you finally come across a terrible resume, it’s all that more unique.
Here are 10 worst resumes that recruiters shared with the internets. Is there anything we can learn from them?
1. My Little Crazy Resume
This resume may look like a silly joke, but Joseph has a pretty solid academic background and substantial work experience.
Reflecting his metaphoric mind, he "had his own nuclear reactor to play with," "dabbled in domestication" and ensured "thousands of hardworking ponies got quality, catered lunches of grains, oats, and grasses every day."
All in all, it's definitely an easy, pleasurable read for toddlers and young children that has an extremely polarising effect among potential employers.
"Either the least or most employable person ever" - The Huffington Post
The lesson:
- Don't use personal pronouns — nor animals or fairytale creatures — in your resume and don't be overly informal.
- Make sure the resume design you choose reflects your professional competencies and soft skills you want to underscore.
2. Creepy Ricky Resume
Mr. Santangelo apparently knows his craft. But if he's scarier than Joker from Batman, who cares?
Surprisingly, Ricky's self-presentation contains some basic structural elements. There's a mission statement "get ready to get blown away by Ricky" and a succinct profile summary "Ricky's seen it all … knows how to go big". The third paragraph offers fragments of his work experience and a bold vision for future "now I'm ready for movies."
An indirect reference is not missing, either: "MOVE OVER TOM CRUISE TIME FOR THE NEW F***ING BLOOD."
The lesson:
- Don't use all caps. It's the digital equivalent of shouting, not a mild emphasis.
- Your resume is a formal career document. Stay polite and don't ever swear.
- Give your resume a bit of structure. Check out our resume format guide.
3. Baby Boss Resume
Applying for a job paying 100k a year with a photo of a baby may seem like career suicide. But not for Jane Roe, though.
What the resume says: The baby's shooting for a managerial position. What's more, the profile summary says the two-year-old already has 4 years of experience in the industry. Pretty impressive for a toddler that's still waiting to celebrate her second birthday!
The real story: Thinking it might be cute, Jane Roe used a picture of her, as a baby and made it the first thing the recruiter will look at when skimming through her resume.
The lesson:
- If you want to use a photo on your resume, make sure it's an accurate representation of your current appearance.
4. Drug Dealer's Resume
Looking at this resume, we're quite sure that including an employment gap would be a better choice. Especially when your job title was Nefarious Dude and your professional experience consisted of illegal activities and serving time in jail.
The lesson:
- List work experience that is relevant to the job you're applying for.
- Use action verbs and powerful adjectives in bulleted lists.
5. Cinnamon Word Art Resume
Cinnamon, an ardent Word-art lover, doesn't seem to really mind using bad formatting, weird hobbies, inappropriate grammar and vocabulary — whatever "the vegetable people" and "retarded people" means.
If nothing else, this resume proves that even if you want to "serve the Lord," you still need to get some things right.
The lesson:
- Stick with basic fonts like Arial, Times New Roman, Helvetica, Georgia or Calibri.
- Include hobbies that will reflect your soft skills.
- Replace bulky paragraphs with bullet points for better readability.
6. Lorem Ipsum Resume
Failing to proofread your resume always comes at a cost. Be it missing characters, misspelled words or placeholder text, a stupid mistake can decide your fate and instantly send your resume to trash.
If you're in the process of editing and drafting your resume, or starting off with a template, make sure to rename the file in your computer. This way you'll prevent yourself from sending in your unfinished resume and killing your job prospects before you even began.
The lesson:
- Don't use your resume for job searching without proofreading it (or having it proofread).
7. HIRE ME OR DIE Resume
Your mom, your best friend, your recruiter — everyone knows you want to get a job. But writing “HIRE ME” over and over again at the bottom of the page is perhaps the very last thing that will boost your job prospects.
The lesson:
- Make sure to include references together with their contact information and their status (college professors, former employers, industry professionals). Check out our guide on how to ask someone to be a reference.
- Double-check your spelling. Using "accept" for "except" or "dallers" for "dollars" won't get you far.
8. Superhuman's Resume
Sure. Confidence is an asset, but when it gets this far it starts to run counter to one's job-seeking efforts.
Beware of insolence and too much self-confidence. Don't try to pepper your career documents with details from your sexual life or experience with substances of various kinds. Your resume will be much better off without them.
The lesson:
- Stay modest, use a lot of common sense — and not too many bullet points.
- List your work experience in a reverse chronological order. The most recent gigs should appear first.
9. Burning Resume
Yale, Harvard and Oxford are superb academic institutions. But claiming that that's where you studied without including the details means is just a blatant lie.
And while including general life experience may sound funny, misspelling Pulitzer Prize as Puletsur Prize is just too embarrassing. Plus your references "were burned up in a fire"? Pretty epic.
The lesson:
- Include references on your resume, they can help you pave the way to your next job.
- Details matter. Specify your experience and academic path and dispel any doubts that you've just made it up.
10. Clumsy Hands Resume
Whatever "good with hands" means, it clearly doesn't involve typing on a computer. Misspelling Playstation and references may still be something to overlook, but "heaps of trophies from heaps of sports" sounds like nothing but outright bragging.
The lesson:
- Stay humble but confident. Let the results speak for you.
- Be specific when talking about your achievements. Use numbers wherever possible.
Oh, and if you don’t want to be listed in our next series of the worst resumes ever, follow us on Facebook.
- Career & Resume Writer
Jakub Kapral is a former professional linguist and a career writer at Kickresume. He has written almost 100 diligently researched resume advice articles and his texts are visited by thousands of people every month. Jakub is a natural teacher who looks to help those who want to enhance their career prospects. He's also an avid drummer and a proud father of two.
